Let me take you back to 2011 … I was in a relationship, one that was unhealthy and a total waste of time. He was insensitive, self-absorbed and not to be trusted. I tried to break up with him multiple times, but he just wouldn’t let me. It sounds crazy, but he seriously would say “no”, and to make matters even more challenging, he lived in my house and I wasn’t sure what it would take to navigate all the legal issues that could potentially arise from kicking him out.
I was totally disengaged from the relationship. I couldn’t even stand to have him around me, much less touch me. Just the thought of being intimate with him made my skin crawl. I was mad at him that I was trapped, and it wasn’t good for either of us. In actuality, I was mostly concerned about myself.
I started visualizing, dreaming about the life I wanted. That included how I felt about myself at that time and all the potential I had to become the person I knew I was capable of being. I would think about the partner I wanted in my life. I would imagine how he made me feel and the love and caring he had for me.
Eventually, I started to believe everything I was dreaming about, every detail. It was remarkable, really. I felt transformed. It was like I had a brand new life, even though I hadn’t shed the old one just yet.
In my “new life” I contacted a lawyer. I got my toxic would-be partner out of my house and met the most amazing man – one I can honestly say is my perfect match.
Of course, it was a little more complicated and took just a bit longer than that, but the point is – I dreamt it. I believed it. I did it.
Here’s how you too can find the most amazing love for yourself, without having to be stuck in a crappy relationship like I was.
1. Stop searching outside of yourself because the answers are inside of you.
Many of us are focused on finding “the one”. But sometimes, we go looking without addressing our own needs to grow and become whole. Once I healed my wounds I was able to start the work of developing those parts of myself that allowed me to become whole.
2. It’s your life.
Shape it with your dreams. When you are living by someone else’s rules, you are not fulfilling your true purpose in life. If you truly want to find fulfillment, you need to satisfy yourself, not anybody else’s idea of who you should be or what you should be doing. You might disappoint some people, but remember – this is your life. Own it.
3. Be yourself
When you are constantly focused on trying to fit into somebody else’s image of you, you will never be happy. Once you give in to being who you truly are, you become more relaxed, more confident, more authentic, and most importantly – you’ll be happy. Being yourself will allow you to attract people who like you for who you truly are, not based on some preconceived or unrealistic set of ideals. Think of it this way: if you don’t resemble who you truly are, how is your soul mate going to recognize you?
4. Accept the gifts that life has to offer
You never know until you try something whether it’s the right thing for you or not. When unexpected invitations or impromptu happenings come up, don’t try to talk yourself out of them. Of course, there might be good reasons why you need to decline an invitation, but you just never know what you’re going to find. You might meet a new friend, form a new business alliance, or you just might meet your perfect match. Go ahead, you deserve it!
5. Don’t be in such a hurry
When you meet that special someone, don’t be in such a hurry to take it to the next level. Often, a person might seem “all that” on the surface, but once you get to know them they are not exactly what you expected. If you have become intimate along the way, it would just complicate things further. Keep in mind that if they are the right person, they will still be there after as long as it takes to be sure.
Every person, every situation is unique. But there’s one thing we all share: a desire to love and be loved. I truly believe there is a right person out there for everybody, but you need to know and love yourself before you can share those parts of you with another.